on wholeness

It's 3am, I'm up, when I shouldn't be. So why am I up? Writing up my last essay for the semester, that's why. And I know what you're thinking, girl's procrastinated like a typical first year and left it to the last minute again. You'd be wrong! It's three days till due date, so I'm starting way, way too early... am I right?

Late nights also bring about deep reflections, naturally, and lately I've been having a lot of those. Amidst nights of the quiet and undisturbed, one word has been on my mind lately and that is... wholeness. Yes, wholeness.

Wholeness is something we all gravitate towards in our life, isn't it? In the things that we do, in the goals we make, in the dreams we have, in the people we connect to -- they are all the makings of this perceived wholeness. But it seems, that sometimes, we have failed misgivings as to what true wholeness is. I know, at least I do. Sometimes... I mistake happiness as wholeness. I think, that to be whole, that I should be happy, almost like happiness is the default setting of each and everyone of us.

But the truth is? If that was wholeness, no one in this world could achieve this.

I refuse to believe that when life hands us bruised lemons, and we're not crazy happy about making a lemonade -- that this means we're not whole people. But believing that the pursuit of life is to strive for happiness can lead to that. Living life entirely and solely for happiness is a dangerous thing... because it can lead to this fear, this inacceptance, this rejection of sadness. Life just can't be lived like that... it's not happiness. And it most certainly isn't wholeness.

I read a profound excerpt recently about how sadness, disappointment, frustration and failure make me us who we are. And how true that is. Society is so quick to dismiss it when life chews us up, so quick with their familiar "it will be okay!", "move on!" or "chin up buttercup!" messages, when it is through these hard times that we truly grow. Thing is, these moments of hardship might not make us feel whole (or rather, happy) at the time, but lately instead of dismissing a bad day altogether, I'm learning to ask myself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?"

reset

It's no lie that I've been posting less than usual in the past three months. Oh of course by less I mean one post a month less, kind-of-thing. Strangely enough, I don't feel a pinch of guilt. But then again... this is what documentation has always been for me. As much as I love documenting my life (boy it's been good to look back at this blog for those good, hearty moments), I've never really felt this obligation to document. I document, when I feel like it, and all the other times, I just simply experience.

And it's a good thing too, because who knows what this blog would be like if I felt obligated to document. It may not even be around, because we all know me and obligations don't always work hand in hand. I love stuff to be free flowing, free-spirited and this is what this space has been for me.

Can you believe we're a quarter into the year already? I know, unbelievable! I can't say that I've come out of this quarter a better person, or that I have come out of it unchanged. Despite all these changes, I feel like I'm still the same person I was before. I think some of you can relate. But one with a greater resolve... to love, to learn, to live. And that's why, believe me when I say, I wouldn't change these last couple of months for a dime.

That as it may be, I'm going to approach 2014 from this year on end with a reset. Start afresh, both in mind and soul, and look at the world from a set of eyes I haven't seen through before. Not in that short-lived euphoric 'yay it's a new year! new beginnings! new me!' kind of way (although there is nothing wrong with that), but just fresh in general. I feel a sense of renewal coming, so today, I press reset and hope for the best.

nineteen

For some time now, my birthday was just another day to me. I'd tell people cheerfully, "hey, to me it's just the same set of numbers I always fill on forms." and they'd look me like, 'dude, what?!' short of saying, 'were you hugged as a child?' Haha, but hey, it's true, and I don't look at it like it's a depressing thing, but to me, it just ain't a big deal.

This year, though, something was different in the air. I was surprised, touched by people both close and far, dear and distant from me: a friend who I hadn't caught up with in a long time, an old friend from high school and people who went out of their way to make my day special, as if to say hey, it isn't just another day.

As if that wasn't enough, tonight my cell group completely threw me off, surprising me with a lit birthday cake right smack in the middle of a gathering.

As the birthday song filled the room, I looked around at everyone circling around me--some faces I knew, some I just got to know, and many I didn't know--I was again reminded of how awesome it is to be surrounded by good people. It wasn't the cake, or even the birthday part, but just being around such good people... felt amazing, undeserving and out of this world. And right in that moment, my heart was filled to the brim, overcome with love and gratitude. Right there and then, I realised, it shouldn't be called birthday, but gratitude day. Of course, that should be everyday. But today, I am especially grateful.